thinking of You

Studying forces me to question what on earth i am doing with this life i have been given. Tonight i choose to trust that God knows, and the reason i don't is because He wants me to follow Him closely until i reach that corner and there it is right in front of me. hmmm... what a journey!
this is my favourite song and has become my prayer:

I want it all
Shane and Shane

Use me,
break me,
waste me on You, Lord.
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You.

For to die is to live,
to starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus.
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all
If i lose my life i gain everything,
at the cross away with all death's sting.
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all.

Use me, break me, waste me on you, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You.
to starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus.
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all.

If i lose my life i gain everything
at the cross away with all death's sting
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all.

There is power in the blood, there is victory in Jesus.
Come in power wash me clean
overwhelm me with Your presence.
There is power in the blood, there is victory in Jesus
there is glory in the cross,
help me find my gain in loss.

You foolish Galatians!

Oh how foolish i am!
When I first believed things were so much clearer to me. The Spirit was my guide, and I hardly knew anything of the law... and now the law traps me. How does someone separate themselves from the expectations of what "christianity" is supposed to look like. Maybe the problem is that i am giving my attention to the expectations of the world for what a Christian should be and not paying attention to the Spirit, who lives in me.
Reading in Galatians today, Paul says that if we could be saved by the law then Jesus's death and resurrection were of no value. I know this is old news to many people, but i struggle with understanding and accepting God's grace and my own justification apart from the law. When Paul said this it hit me that in my own mind, and with that my heart I had begun to believe in lies... not the true Gospel (which is exactly what the Galatians were being rebuked for). I had begun to think (never expressing aloud) that maybe God would accept people on the basis of them simply being really good (cuz let's be honest there are some really awesome people out there, who don't belive in saving Grace). But clearly this idea is heretical.
I'm not down playing good works, because we know faith without action is dead. But i think that when my heart is not doing it out of joy and obedience because i have the Spirit living in me, but simply out of duty to earn salvation it is no longer faith in action, it is no longer true worship...it is me...caring only about me... and what i can get...and what i deserve.
So here i am ... yet again i am humbled, again im learning that my faith is so small...but i pray for more ...even if it is only the size of a mustard seed, because i want to be free...free from the law and free to see mountains move!

who i am

Do you ever feel the need to get closer?
...I do
I feel like i need to reach far, or jump high, or yell loud.
when all i really need is to be
...and let Him be
His Grace is sufficient for me... I think i have come back to this over and over again...when will i learn?
I am a child of God.
I am a member of Christ's body
I am a citizen of heaven
I have been chosen by God
May we all remember who we are in Him today :).

Youth group dilemma.

I have a pretty big decision to make. This past year the Lord has lead me into youth ministry at my home church and despite the many issues there have been with leadership, i know that's where God has placed me. However i am in the process of registering for fall classes and have discovered that one of the required courses is at the same time as youth froup meets. I don't know what to do. I want the will of God to be the center of this situation, which i think it is, but none of the options seem right.

Pray for me if anyone is reading this.

here's a few photo's of my youth!

i need to go to bed

it's late and technically the start of mothers day. Just so you know i'm a terrible daughter who has not bought a gift for my mother yet.YIKES!!!!!!
I think these last 3 weeks have really been crazy and im in giant need to prioritize. I need to learn to be a better daughter and sister. I wonder if any one has any tips?
Just so everyone knows ...God has blessed me with the most fantasic mother. Peace seeking, gentle, servant heart... i would say she is practically what God intended a mother to be. Do i have something to live up to or what?
I pray for my mom today that she may learn to love God with all her heart soul mind and strength and experience God's peace.
Went to a seminar on hurting kids. This world is a really messed up place and i don't know how people get through all this stuff without acknowledging Jesus as saviour. I'd be lost.
i want to be used my God to have a powerful ministry to brokenhearted kids. I learned that i will never be adequate... and that is where God will use me best. His strength is made perfect in weakness.
On another note... i went to a bollywood party tonight... fantastic indian food i'd say and wonderful company. I smoked a cigar...my first time...and... probably my last.

....and im back .

ive decided to make an effort and try to get back into blogging. I'm not much of a writer, more of a talker i'd say. Oh well, the idea of a blog seems nice and since im in a contemplative mood i'll run with it .
This year of nothingness seems to be coming to a close. It takes someone with a lot of faith to come out af a year like this feeling refreshed and renewed in the Lord, needless to say I have little faith. Don't get me wrong, I love God and desire to know him more and more... but this year proved to me that i do not trust him in the little things. I feel like my realtionship with him has become shallow and the depth i thought i once had was based on surroundings. I desire to be like Job and rejoice in suffering... and praise God when times are dry.